how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
