I should be sponsored by Trojan
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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