I wish I could punch you in the face.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
