one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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