i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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