Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
