WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
