Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
