his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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