Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
