WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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