we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
