I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
