I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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