My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
