About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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