I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
