remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
