I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
