The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
