I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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