I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
