Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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