I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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