I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
40s are totally the cure
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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