my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
