omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
