I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
