Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
