I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Found the puke drawer
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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