I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
