Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
