I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
