So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
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i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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