im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
