Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
