i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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