I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
