you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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