don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
