Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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