Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
