Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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