Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
