A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
