just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
