You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
