yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
