so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
