I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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