I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
