I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
