M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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