So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
