last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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