Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize