Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
