i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
