i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
