Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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